Back story: So, I went to see Paul Blart: Mall Cop with my parents and little sister a few weeks ago. I Can’t Hold Back by Survivor is the love song that played anytime he saw his love interest. As a result, it’s been stuck in my head.
The Rules: Basically, I’m just going to give you the time code for what I’m talking about.
Stuff I learned from Survivor’s I Can’t Hold Back:
1) 0:10 – While I’ve never seen one, there are obviously book stores that cater to people who don’t like to read. Best I can tell, this place is all magazines and picture books, and nothing looks to have more than 150 pages.
2) 0:23 – Blue jeans can never be too tight. So what if she can’t feel anything below her waist and sitting down is a 20 minute ordeal? It’s worth it to look good!
3) 0:46 – All groups of guys are made up of one cool guy and a bunch of goofy guys that follow him around. If you aren’t the cool guy, it may be time to trade down.
4) 1:17 – Life is at its best when you’re wearing leather pants. Red leather. With lots of zippers.
5) 1:30 – Even the most conservative-looking women secretly know how to dance like a stripper (I know a few guys that are banking on this one, so if it’s wrong, please keep it to yourself).
6) 2:23 – Life is at its best when you’re wearing leather pants. Even if her pants look like she skinned the seats from the car my Granny was driving when this video came out, she’s still cool!
7) 2:38 – Contrary to popular opinion, subway trains aren’t smelly, germ-infested metal tubes full of grumpy people; they’re joyous places where random hot chicks are waiting to make out with you.
8) 2:43 – Guys who wear suits are no fun. However, looking at the frames on his glasses, I think this one might moonlight as a pimp.
9) 3:31 – The cool guy should never listen to his dorky followers, as they obviously want to sabotage his love life to feel better about themselves (isn’t he the leader of the group?).
10) 3:54 – Most important lesson of the entire video: Now, you may be expecting me to go with the obvious, “there are no fairytale endings” lesson. Nope. The lesson here is far more important: if she’s smart, the woman you’ve been stalking around the bookstore probably won’t wait around for you to follow her home. If she does, she’s probably planning to kill you and take your red leather pants.